WHO?
ABOUT ME
(the true facts)
Dillon Krause is a comedian based out of New York City.
He is not married nor does he own any real property.
He was pantsed in 7th grade. Rumors spread that he had small hairless genitals, which were 100% true. This knocked him down many pegs socially and he couldn’t be more grateful that it happened.
He was cut from every single sports team he tried out for at his all-boys Catholic high school, and there were many.
He went to small private liberal arts school for college. By that he means he went to an expensive white country club for college. He thinks he’s mostly moved on from that bubble.
He was never able to transition to the corporate job he thought he wanted after spending three years getting his CFA. He spent another two years taking the GMAT and applying to business school but didn’t get into his top choices.
He opted not to throw the rest of his life away when he was 27 and politely passed on the one business school that did accept him. He started pursuing comedy instead.
He has had two real girlfriends ever, each for six months. His first relationship started when he was almost 30. He frequently wonders if this, amongst other things like his appreciation for both male and female beauty, is a sign he’s gay, but he’s pretty sure that he’s not. And he doesn’t think he’s just saying this because people will see it. He’d be very accepting of his gayness if he were gay but gayness just wasn’t in his cards. But he really would be totally cool with it. Believe him, if he were gay you’d be the first to know.
He was sucker punched on the subway by some random disgruntled 20 something (reason still unknown) and broke his nose. He bled a lot. He also laughed.
He is trying to be honest and funny right now and his deliberate attempt to do so makes him uncomfortable. He won’t make any jokes about speaking in the third person because that is website hack comedy. Now he’s worried the previous sentence qualifies as a third person joke.
He hasn't drank alcohol since Thanksgiving 2019. She claimed his infrequent drinking and long stretches of sobriety was a lesser feat than her upcoming sober January because he didn’t track it to confirm he’d gone a month. So he stopped drinking for a month to spite his aunt and never picked it back up. She failed at sober January.
He has no aspirations to join any country clubs or get a lucrative job.
He bought his most expensive possession, a watch, with his first bonus when he was 25 years old. Why so old? He was an intern for two years after graduating. His parents paid for most of the watch.
He likes Buddhist stuff but wonders if that makes him a poser so it’s a real quandary but he enjoys it anyway.
He had a hollow life and drank a shit ton from the end of high school into his mid-20s (late-20s), probably alienating people and losing relationships along the way, but wouldn’t change anything because he’s pretty content with who he is now. He does feel bad for his selfish and reckless phase and has empathy and compassion for those he hurt and left in the wake of his misguided existential stupor.
He doesn’t have children, or at least none that he knows of LOL. That joke is credited to his dad’s country club friends who repeat it every Father’s Day. He hates everyone who’s ever told that joke — he doesn't hate hate them, he just dislikes them. He himself has likely made that joke, which is a microcosm of one of the reasons why he doesn’t believe in hating anyone.
He is wary of potential fame and being stopped in public. His fear stems from his dread of running into his parents’ friends (most of them). But he does enjoy random conversations with strangers so maybe he’d like fame. If you’re friends with his parents, he wasn’t talking about you.
He feels like this website is very narcissistic. It’s all about him. He presumes it’s supposed to be that way but feels compelled to talk about something that isn’t himself…like maybe about how great wood burning fireplaces are. They’re the tits. He chops wood sometimes and cut his leg with an axe but he’s all better now. He’s talking about himself again.